From experiences and observations of myself, friends’, and colleagues’ relationships, I have come to believe that there are three different kinds of break-ups. There are countless variations within these breakup styles depending on the couple, all of them however, can be traced back to these three basic forms. The Clean Break, The Messy Break, The ‘Call 911 this is about to get ugly’ break. The following will define and give examples of each breakup type, and will lay out some guidelines on ways to avoid the uglier breakup types. That is unless drama is the ultimate goal, then by all means ignore the avoidance techniques.
The Clean Breakup- Is the complete detachment of both parties from one another with minimal heartbreak due to realized differences, or a mutual grasp of a reality that prohibits them from furthering their Relational progression. The split may be mutual or one-sided. The cleanliness of the break is decided not by the heart breaker, but by the breakee. The Breakee is typically entitled to 2-4 weeks of bewilderment and questions of why. Anything beyond a month is spilling over into the range of the Messy Breakup. There are exceptions to this rule of thumb based on the length of the relationship. Couples that were in longer relationships are given a little more leeway and extra time to recover from their break but still nothing more than 6 weeks. That is, as long as they plan on keeping the break clean.
When I was a child and I would fiddle around with changing a bandage on a wound Mom would always say, “Just rip it off quick. It will just hurt more by tugging on it.” Little did I know at the age of 5, my parents were giving me sound relationship advice that would be useful when I was suddenly single again at the age of 26. Just rip it off (the relationship) and move on. In looking at a personal heartbreak it brings a hurtful realization that any other method to breaking up is just dragging out the necessary, and can be personally scarring in the end.
The clean break is someone saying, ‘This is it. I want nothing to do with you anymore. Please leave my house and take your tears with you.’ or something along these lines. At first you don’t really know what happened, and you may feel like Hulking out, but after a short time of realization it really starts to hurt, and it sinks in, ‘Ouch!! Is that for real?!’ This type of breakup, like any other, hurts like a cannonball to the chest , but it leaves no doubt in the breakee’s mind that the person doing the breaking up with has no desire to continue on in a committed relationship with you. The Clean Breakup is often not expected, and is therefore the easiest to deal with because the breakee is not preparing themselves for the break. They merely have to deal with the aftercare.
The Messy Breakup- One or both parties still clinging to hope that something may be salvaged from the wreckage of a breakup. Often times these breakups take a long time to unfold with one or both parties still claiming to have significant feelings for one another, but not having hopes for their future as a couple. The Messy Breakup gets even messier when the parties involved decide to remain ‘friends’ and try to carry on a friendship with one party misconstruing the term ‘friend’ for the possible reunification of the parties in a glorious romp.
This break can be compared to a cut that gets an infection from the person who suffered the cut picking at it and not allowing it to heal by itself. The initial break feels like the that of the clean break, but the parties involved can make the mistake of making phone calls or writing messages to the heart breaker ‘just to make sure they hadn’t changed their mind’. This is where the infection grows. If the heart breaker responds with sympathy or uncertainty in their initial decision then the infection grows and the breakee starts to find hope where they should not. Sometimes these infections can go away within weeks or months. Other times however, these infections can cling on and turn into gangrene becoming a potentially life threatening condition. The original wound can become infected and fester to the point of loss of limbs or life if the dead weight is not cut free.
The ‘Call 911 this is about to get ugly’ Break- Both parties involved are unsure of how to react in breakup situations causing much emotional distress. In most cases the verbal retaliation to the breakup attempt can be heard by their neighbors through the paper thin walls of their rundown apartment and/or trailer that they live in. Death threats/attempts are quite common, but due to poor grammar it is unclear the method that was threatened. Also quite common in these circumstances are broken commemorative NASCAR plates and/or Precious Moments ceramic collectables. If both parties are not in jail by the end of the altercation, the heart breaker says something like, “Officer, I love him/her!!! He don’t need to go to jail tonight. It was just a love bite.” These breakups last for years, sometimes lifetimes. There is no reason to offer any sort of guidance to these individuals because they will do whatever they can whenever they can to keep someone as crazy as them around.
Warning signs that you might be nearing a relationship with a potential ‘Crazy’:
Female Crazy-
· He/she has to live in a home where everything can be ‘ready to go’ in less than an hour.
· He/she has more shoes than a normal store should have. Remember in times of struggle shoes make excellent projectile weapons. The number of shoes may also reflect the number of personalities you may experience throughout the course of your relationship.
· He/she is convinced that the MTV show ‘the Real World’ is actually the real world.
· He/she is orange. Fake tanning is a sure sign of a crazy. Being ‘tan’ in January is not fooling anyone. What are you trying to hide?
· He/she does not leave messages when they call, they just keep calling until they get an answer, or their phone dies from flooding your number with texts and calls. When this happens they will borrow a friend’s phone or have said friend call and leave an angry message blaming you for their phone being dead and that they don’t know why you are not answering. When they realize you have been at work all day just like every other day they will become emotional and need a hug.
Male Crazy-· He/she is convinced middle earth is an actual place where small people with hairy feet and wizards live, and they think it would be, ‘hobbit-tastic’ to live in an earth home.
· His comic book or Star Wars Figurine collection is just waiting for the market to turn around. “We are in a buyer’s market babe!!”
· Said collection has the most prominent display location in the home.
· What attracted you to him was the line, ‘Is that a Keg in your back pocket? Because I’m about to tap that…’ take a step back and assess the situation before he even finishes this disgraceful attempt at flattery.
· The ‘Gym Rat’. Likes the look of himself in the mirror better than looking at the one he is with… oh yeah and flexes in public… a lot.
· Any guy with more piercings than you… it’s a fact that with each earring, lip ring, and nose ring the male IQ deflates exponentially.
This has been a comical, yet real leap into the world of failed relationships. We have all had them and we all need to know how to deal with them when they inevitably happen. In the event you find yourself in the situation of needing to end a relationship, just remember the first category and keep the break as clean as possible. Good luck!!
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